OK, spoiler alert. This is going to get graphic. I will try to keep it as clear as possible, as I don’t want to loose this blog, but some things described after this point is going to get… shocking. To put it bluntly, this is going to be a escalator roller-coaster ride going down into the bowels of hell before it gets any better. So if you can’t handle that, I think you’d better quit now.
So strap in. Keep young hands inside the carriage at all time. Here we go.
What I was 14, I ran away from home. Well, to be totally honest, I fled. I couldn’t deal with mom anymore, who at that time had become so oppressive and demanding I do everything her way, which mostly was doing chores and stay out of her way when she had ‘special friends’ (plural sometimes) over for ‘sleep-overs’ in which from the sounds from her bedroom included little sleeping. Yeah. I was only 14, but I wasn’t retarded, especially because I could sometimes hear them. And as some of these men would ‘accidentally’ (and very quietly) mistake my room for any other room in the house they happen to want to be, I was just done with it all.
I had met a guy, Phillipe, who was ‘older’, as in 26 older. He was handsome, and smart, wise in the ways of the world as he had traveled. He was Italian with Moroccan roots, played guitar, and had fallen for him in a big way, and he, he had said, with me. He took me in in his apartment and it didn’t take long before I lost my virginity. Not only that, but he had magic fingers, and tongue, being able to make me cum screaming and multiple times… I still have dreams about his magic hands, though in the end the rest of him showed not to be so magic. But what did I know then, right? I was only 14, but he treated me like an adult, letting me make my own choices, let me walk around the apartment naked if I wanted to, he let me try to make dinner for us and when it failed we got take-out or foo delivered, things that made me feel important. He trusted me and told me things older people normally wouldn’t discuss with me, like why it was important I’d be on the pill so he wouldn’t have to use a condom, why I had to tell no one of what we did or where I lived so he wouldn’t go to jail… you know… important stuff for our relationship. We spend all day every day together as I hated school and he was in between jobs, but didn’t seem to mind that much. It was just a sheer heaven of attention, and the ‘father and daughter’ show we put on was just our considerate way towards the world so they wouldn’t be shocked of our love. He had friends over and they were all fine with it, and they all were quite attentive as well, though some could get a bit grabby when they did weed and got drunk together, and I was allowed to join in sometimes as long as I could be ‘not a child’ about it all.
Yeah yeah, now I write this I know how stupid it all sounds, but these are actual words that were spoken to me, and back then I was just happy to be wanted. I felt important, and had massive daddy issues.
Some of you might already know where this is going, right?
After about 3 months together, which was a never ending party of treats and gifts and fun and staying up late and doing what ever we wanted to, some men came knocking on our door, they roughed him up, and he confessed to me that he had money problems. He had no job, and so no income, not having looked for a job because he so loved to spend all his time with me… but there was a way out. If I would sleep with a friend he owed money to, then he could get an extension on the loan, and everything would be alright. And of course I fought it at first, and of course we discussed if there was any other way, and of course in the end I said yes. I mean, I loved him, so why wouldn’t I do this for him? I was an adult now, able to make my own decisions, and this was my decision to make, no matter how much he protested, and in the end he capitulated.
It all still makes me sick to this very day, and I am disgusted with myself in writing this, but I know now that I have to forgive myself for my naivety, which is hard, very hard, but we’ll talk about how I deal with that later. Right now I need to go for a walk, as I can’t deal being indoors right now. See you all later.