Hi all, thanks for sticking around…
Or it this is the first time you’re reading anything from me: Hi.
I am sorry I have been away this long, I didn’t mean to, and many times I have sat here watching this screen, but no words came out. Truth be told I am currently dealing with a crippling depression due to a broken relationship that was just starting when he found out about my history, which hurtful to deal with as a normal person, so let alone what happens if you’re an emotional swing-rope. We are balancing my medication to make it tolerable, and I am keeping away from drugs and self-harm, so I am reasonably fine and it’s getting fixed, but for now I will have to resign in dragging my limp, lifeless body through several kilometers of mud each day to reach the other side.
It also means that the cams are off, sorry, but I don’t want anyone seeing me as the screaming and sobbing, or staring into nothingness, little pile of garbage watching trash TV I am right now. Yes, that means that no money is coming in, but I have a reserve, so that’s not a big problem.
I want to continue with my life, living, breathing, and having fun, I really do, as I know I need to work through all that has happened and writing is my best way of doing that, but right now I just can’t, so I just hope you understand and will wait for me.
For those who know depression, I trust that right now you are nodding and wanting to give me a little pat on the back without saying anything, knowing that anything you say won’t work, that it just needs time. But for those who don’t know what it is like, here is an example.
Imagine yourself always having lived in a colorful world… the warm sunshine on your face, nice green trees swaying in a soft breeze. And then suddenly someone pulls the plug out of the bathtub and all color is drained from your world. No more sunshine, no more warmth, no more green, no more breeze… You remember it being beautiful, but now everything is just black outlines of what once was something you cared about, and knowing you once cared makes it is even more depressing.
So I hope you are all doing well… I am currently not, but this too shall pass…