14. Lost… again

I did promise I’d continue, didn’t I? *sigh*

Life without Amy was horrible. I was hardy able to get up in the mornings, had no focus during the day, and cried myself to sleep each night, which made getting up in the morning even harder. It was a downwards spiral to which I couldn’t find an escape, and so, after months of tormenting myself, I grabbed back to an old friend that had been waiting for me by pushing cocaine into my veins and at least sleep for a blissful, untormented few hours. It made the world and the work I did tolerable, but everyone near to me saw that I was suffering, that Amy’s loving rod and whip had kept me sane, and so it was not surprise to me or anyone else when madame fired me.

The money I has saved up went fast, the expensive clothes were quickly hocked for a next fix, and everything I had done, everything I had gone through, left me with nothing.

I was 17 and adrift once more, alone.

Depression

Hi all, thanks for sticking around…
Or it this is the first time you’re reading anything from me: Hi.

I am sorry I have been away this long, I didn’t mean to, and many times I have sat here watching this screen, but no words came out. Truth be told I am currently dealing with a crippling depression due to a broken relationship that was just starting when he found out about my history, which hurtful to deal with as a normal person, so let alone what happens if you’re an emotional swing-rope. We are balancing my medication to make it tolerable, and I am keeping away from drugs and self-harm, so I am reasonably fine and it’s getting fixed, but for now I will have to resign in dragging my limp, lifeless body through several kilometers of mud each day to reach the other side.

It also means that the cams are off, sorry, but I don’t want anyone seeing me as the screaming and sobbing, or staring into nothingness, little pile of garbage watching trash TV I am right now. Yes, that means that no money is coming in, but I have a reserve, so that’s not a big problem.

I want to continue with my life, living, breathing, and having fun, I really do, as I know I need to work through all that has happened and writing is my best way of doing that, but right now I just can’t, so I just hope you understand and will wait for me.

For those who know depression, I trust that right now you are nodding and wanting to give me a little pat on the back without saying anything, knowing that anything you say won’t work, that it just needs time. But for those who don’t know what it is like, here is an example.

Imagine yourself always having lived in a colorful world… the warm sunshine on your face, nice green trees swaying in a soft breeze. And then suddenly someone pulls the plug out of the bathtub and all color is drained from your world. No more sunshine, no more warmth, no more green, no more breeze… You remember it being beautiful, but now everything is just black outlines of what once was something you cared about, and knowing you once cared makes it is even more depressing.

So I hope you are all doing well… I am currently not, but this too shall pass…

Until soon.

Love,

Angela

Still here…

Yep… still here… I am just finding it very hard to write on, especially as the recent memories still pretty much haunt my dreams, especially now that I am writing and dealing with stuff… I promise to continue, but just give me time to collect my thoughts, and my bravery.

Massive surge of likes :)

Wow, I didn’t expect my last post to get so much reactions… Thanks all! It really helps for me to see that me opening up my darkest parts is being appreciated. 🙂

If by chance you want to contact me, you can to do so most easily through twitter @AngelaBannett, and can follow me to always be updated on when a new post is out. 

Anyway, that’s it for me… hope you all have a great day… I myself am going out for a walk as it is a beautiful spring day. 🙂

TTYL!

A.B.

13.2. Alone

In my arms I long to hold you
but they clasp only emptiness and blankets.
It was seven years ago today, or it was only yesterday
when the failings of our lives took you away.
But after the pain and hate follows regret
and all I want is for you to return
in my arms, to hold.
We would kiss and forgive
and life will continue like it never happened.
I would rip the clothes from you and ride you,
straddled like a horse freed of its reigns,
but all my arms hold is emptiness,
and sheets streaked with tears.

13.1 The Sane Insanity

Fear and pain were all my life
Locked inside my mental room
But just one day you came my way
And now nothing is the same.
In your hand, a gilded knife
I burned while it touched my skin
The searing pain, the scar it left
I treasure it while it is here.
The weekend passed as we hurt each other
While we collided, went and came
I felt your hands, your lips, your hips
As they kept on thrusting into mine.
That morning I just hurt myself
Poured candle wax on both my hands
My hands still shake and I feel ashamed
But the pain in me is gone.
When you then left, I waved goodbye
And saw I was outside myself
People walked and trees just swayed
But none of them were you.
I feel no fear, I feel no pain
I just wait until you come again
If this is love that courses through me
Then I must be going sane.